Very peculiar...

Today, I created two little banners for my blog here.

Which one do you prefer?

If I never knew you.

I tell you all my dreams, wishes, hopes, and prayers. As silly as it sounds, I've never been so "in love." When I was younger, and still now, I hated loved. Feared it. Just like I feared any spider I unfortunately encountered. Every time we fight, my heart breaks a little more. I walk on eggshells everyday of my life, but when it comes to you, I know that I have solid concrete under my feet.

It took me awhile to admit it, but I love you.

"I'd rather die tomorrow,then live a hundred days without knowing you." <3

I can't really say enough to you. Thank you so much for being here for me whenever I've needed you. You really mean the world to me, and I want more than what this is <3

I love you.

You could have saved me.

Anorexic. The word resounded in my head like a scratched CD continuing to replay the overused lyrics in a song that had no value. That wasn't me, that couldn't be me. Unfortunately, it was. I sat there, attempting to think of something other than that word, some other excuse to my dangerous weight loss. I couldn't be a statistic, I was too young, too naive to be in the 30% of teens and young adults who fell in the category alongside me. "No, No," I always thought, that would never, in a million years, be me, Food was a necessity, and I loved it. I thought I was beautiful the way I was and didn't need to change, Anorexia was never an option for me. How wrong I was.

I first developed signs of the "eating disorder" when I was a freshman in high school, but my need to be skinny began long before my high school years. Seventh grade, I was a size five jeans, almost a seven. My best friends, at that time, were beautiful and skinny. Guys seemed to flock before them, never before me. So, I thought it over and had my mind set to losing weight. At first, it was just a simple diet, but the less I ate, the more pounds I dropped. Shortly, when not eating didn't help, I switched to bulimia. I got to eat everything my heart desired, but it didn't last long. About thirty minutes after my longing for food had been fulfilled, I would head for the bathroom to rid of the worthless trash I had just consumed. I would first make sure the coast was clear, then close and lock the stall of my choice. My knees always were filthy after I had performed my dirty deed, but the feeling of being skinny overwhelmed me. My bulimic stage only lasted a few weeks for the look and smell of my own vomit disgusted me. So, in a final attempt, I returned to not eating.

My meal of celery and peanut better became peanut butter and celery. What I saw as "limiting: my portions, was actually not eating anything. When I saw worthless trash in the mirror, my friends saw a beautiful girl who was allowing herself to waste away into nothing. I had given up any hope of being beautiful, however I soon began to realize that I wasn't only hurting myself, but the people who loved me and cared about me as well. I can't tell you how my heart dropped when I saw their faces being twisted into expressions far beyond my imagination.

What was and What could have been.

I wanted to scream at the image being portrayed before me, the way my hips curved out, the way one shoulder seemed to be too superior to lay evenly with its match, and how my belly seemed to be protruding out far passed its limits. The monstrosity I saw was my own body being shot back at me by a mirror. I slid my hands to their rightful position on my waist and winched, I wasn't small enough. Even though my size zero jeans and shorts slid off of me, what I continued to see in that mirror was nothing but an overweight, worthless girl. So began the new me, the one who wanted, no HAD, to be tiny.

My diet changed and what was my meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, pretzels, and pudding became nothing but a simple bottle of water. My best friend was my dependable companion, a single black hair tie. Every time I craved food, a swift pull and let go of it led to me no longer desiring what I so gravely needed. Soon enough, my body weakened and began giving out pleas for food with the tell-tale signs of unbearable cramps, even though that led me to an ER visit, I still refused to consume anything that made my body more grotesque than what it already was.

After a few months, I had fallen in love and with every snap of a hair tie, he was quick to collect them. My diet returned to what I suppose is "normal" and I gained a few pounds back. Upon return to my doctor, I got news that if I lost 2 more pounds I would be considered,which at this point was dangerous, malnourished. With those words, I was determined to get better. However, my life took a turn for the worst and I lost the boy I was striving to get better for, and just as quick as I had decided to get better, I changed my mind and became worse. I was informed that if I did reach this "malnourishment" that I would have to be hospitalized and be fed with an IV.

Changing isn't easy for me, and I won't get better until I've hit that critical moment. The one where I've passed out from not eating, that's when I'll know I have gone too far.

Can I have a little PEACE ?

As I sat in that house, breathing the same air as the two most gorgeous girls I know, I began to think. Some girls believe that since they are attractive, they are empowered and that they have every right in the world to be better than any other "less beautiful" girl. As I thought the thought over, which I did for extended periods of time, I realized I had the most unusual expression plastered across my face. I had realized I was not one to be classified as "beautiful," "gorgeous," or even at least, "attractive."

As my blue eyes scanned for someones name to pop up on my phone's bright screen that could talk to me out of my final decision, they didn't seem to fall upon anyone who would take any extra notice to help me out. I sent one to my best friend of seven years, a new fellow I had just met, my boyfriend at the moment, and a guy I used to like.

My heart was quick to jump into my throat when my A Rocket to the Moon ringtone blasted from my little Palm Pixi. I read the screen over carefully before pressing my talk button. "Hello?" was the only thing I could mutter, it was replied with a "What in God's name are you talking about? You're GORGEOUS!" Of course, I grinned and the butterflies quickly flew into my stomach. I let some breathing time flow between us before I really got to anything. The time we spent was cut short by a few impatient pleas and after the goodbyes were said, it didn't take long for my phone to give out its tell-tale sign of a text message.

I'll never forget what that boy said to me to make me change my mind, and I am so thankful to him for saving my life. Up until that night, I thought I was ugly, disgusting, and rather unpleasant to be with. He changed my mind and convinced me that any boy would be lucky to have me. I disagree slightly, but I would never tell him my thoughts to his face. It made such an impact on my life. I love him for that.

Now, if you may be wondering why I'm writing this, it's to show you that you're gorgeous. No matter what anyone says. Everyone has something special about them. I promise that you have something to be proud of. Always remember, your beautiful inside and out.


Love Your Body Peace Treaty--
JaiLynn Nelson.

There I am, where are you?

What a question.

Today I was asked why I always talk about love. It seemed to inspire me when I thought of a response. To tell you the truth, I have no idea why I always talk of love. I guess it's because since I am a girl, I tend to think of things what girls would love to hear from any guy.

What I posted today seemed to have upset the poor fellow.

From Facebook, "ily,i love u, and i luv u is not the same thing as I Love You. geez, :/"
Here is the whole conversation:

Douche Bag: we want to know y u always talk about love

4:01pm Me: because, it's a n everyday thought that goes through every girls head

4:02pm Douche Bag: yea tht is y a guy does not stay with the same girl for over 2 months

4:03pm Me: On the contrary, a lot of guys stay with girls. Most of the time, they aren't scared of a commitment.

4:03pm Douche Bag: notice u said most and affaird

4:04pm Me: Most of them yes, not all of them. We still have jackasses and players.

In place of his real name, we will use douche bag. I don't know where he was getting his information, but he was taught wrong. Most of the guys I know would kill for a committed relationship, but they can't find one.

To sum this up, I always talk about love because I am a romantic. I am an optimist. I am an extrovert. Most importantly, I am a girl.

Traveling.

As I lay in my uncle's basement, I've realized getting out of Tennessee was best for me.

I will be out of that retched state for two weeks. One week in St. Louis, Missouri. One week in Waldron, Arkansas. However, no matter how much I'm glad to be on vacation, I will get homesick. I'm going to miss my mom, dad, boyfriend, and especially my friends.

My cousins Amanda and Alex are actually more enjoyable that what I had originally expected. They are really funny, and actually have no problem with making me feel like home. Playing Overlord, Left 4 Dead 2, and Bioshock. I think the insiders we are creating will last for awhile.

My plans for the week happen to be going to the arch, going to see Eclipse, and going out to do a few other oddities.

I'm sorry for the late update, my loves.

I love you,<3
-JaiLynn Anita